Twilight, 12

In which your blogger contemplates passive agression. Spoiler: he doesn't like it. Further spoiler: This chapter sucks. Interested? Then, my fellow crips and bloods, let us rock.

Plot: Jacob and Billy Black watch the game at the Swan residence. Football, I think. Your blogger adds "sports" to the lengthening list of things Stephenie Meyer heard about at the tail-end of a bender with a bunch of blacking-out former Grateful Dead roadies and decided to put into her book, just because. Jacob and Bella talk, boringly. Bella, despite having had the undivided attention of everything with a functional penis since her arrival in Forks, is still mystified by a boy expressing the fact that yes, he might be interested in a relationship of the more-than-friendly persuasion. The Blacks leave and Edward comes back. Much worshipfull discussion of Edward's beauty ensues. Your blogger tracks down the Grateful Dead groupies and asks for some of whatever they're smoking. It doesn't help. At home that night, Bella drinks cough syrup to sleep, because the anguish of being away from Edward is making her act like a goldfish on carpet. Edward arrives the next morning and they go to the forest. Bella can't drive properly with the heat of Edward's gaze radiating through her bones. Your blogger fixes his girlfriend with a smoldering glare. She advises him to drink chicken soup and rest in bed for the next couple of days. Edward and Bella walk to a meadow. Its pretty. Edward walks out into the sunlight and….. and….. finis.

Rant: Remember how, not that long ago, there was another chapter featuring Jacob Black, and it kinda sorta wasn't awful? Well, neither does SM. Jake shows up in this chapter as a massive load of FORESHADOWING crap. Yes folks, he will eventually become the rival for Bella's disturbingly committed affections. Good luck, kid. In the meantime, I'll be praying that your jackass author doesn't forget about the personality and voice and recognizably human motivations that made me like you in the first place. But, based on this chapter, she already has.

Bella needs a shrink, and in the worst possible way. She and Edward aren't even officially dating, and already her entire life is defined by his presence (or the lack of it). Look, if this was just a teenage girl liking her boyfriend a little too much I wouldn't even blink. We've all been there, and its a healthy and natural part of figuring out what a relationship actually is. Bella, though, has nothing beyond their mutual emotional need. Notice how, when Edward isn't there, she isn't capable of normal interaction with other people? She's very, very far gone, and only getting worse. Especially when you take into account that he's repeatedly promised to do her physical harm, and for some who-the-fuck-knows of a reason that makes her want him even more. And yes, I said "want," not "love."

If anyone thinks I'm delving too deep into the brain of a fictional character… well, you're probably right. I think this exercise is important, though. I'm a grown man, with a stablized personality and a strong social structure around me. That's why I can read this crap from an intellectual remove, and give it the mocking it richly deserves. Problem is, most of the audience for this is young, female, and still learning how to define their relationships with romantic/sexual partners. And the thought of someone like that reading this book and taking it to heart scares the hell out of me. So, my goal is to use this book, rancid though it is, as the starting point for a much larger conversation. Maybe then it won't be such a waste of good trees after all.