Twilight, 11

In which your blogger thinks about sex. A lot. Also vampires. And, of course, the depressed and depressing. Interested? Then, my fellow children of the corn, let us rock.

Plot: Bella and Edward go to biology class, sitting so close they almost touch. Please hold your screams to the end, ladies. The teacher, completely coincidentally and in a move that doesn't reek in the slightest of Deux-Ex-Machina by an overmatched author, is showing a movie. Bella feels a spark coming off Edward, who really shouldn't have worn fleece over flannel. She watches his eyes smoldering in the dark. Your blogger throws up in his mouth, just a little. The movie ends and they walk to gym. Edward… No, I can't believe it…. touches her on the cheek. Bella survives gym, despite being too dazzled to do much of anything. Mike doesn't like Edward. Good judge of character, that Mike. Edward, obviously, listened to Mike's thoughts during the class. Somehow this is romantic. People are staring at Rosalie's car. Bella has heard of BMW, an automaker which sold 247,907 cars in fiscal year 2011. Her mother must be so proud. Edward won't let her see him hunt because when they do, vamps go into a kind of feeding frenzy. Not bad, Stephenie Meyer, not bad. Edward asks lots of questions, such as about Bella's favorite color, which, obviously, has changed to the exact shade of his eyes. Bad, Stephenie Meyer, very bad. The questions continue. Your blogger decides not to waste your time with recapping. Big E drops her at home, and leaves suddenly when Billy Black adds a little sanity to the proceedings by showing up and glaring at him. Finis.

Rant: This chapter exists. I don't know why. Nothing happens, except for boring and pointless exposition layered with scenes re-used from earlier in the book. Stephenie Meyer seems to have run out of ideas, and so begins stealing from herself (hint: if you're going to plagiarize, aim higher). There is, for example, the scene of Bella being comically clumsy in gym. Maybe this is supposed to function as plot development, showing Bella's inability to keep the creepy vampire from fucking with her brain (or something). Maybe its a character note, presenting Bella's awful self-image as a contrast to the earlier bits of Edward drooling at her. Maybe Stephenie Meyer has heard that literature is usually made up of words and sentences all jumbled together, so she decided to do that just like a real author. I don't know. Or care, really.

There are, oddly enough, rational characters in this mess. Mike, Charlie, and Billy all exhibit something that could be considered sensible human motivations. Except that, in the cesspit of SM's worldview, Mike is pathetic and annoying, Charlie oblivious, and Billy inexplicably hostile. They'd get in the way of the fantasy, and so must be marginalized and dismissed. Meanwhile, Edward is perfect, flawless, exquisite, and every other disgustingly worshipful descriptor SM found in what I'm sure is a singularly well-thumbed copy of the OED. He can do no wrong, even when reducing Bella's fragile self-esteem to complete dependence on him, and depriving her of anything resembling privacy for good measure.

Now about all the touching… Look, I'm a 23 year old dude. I have a gorgeous girlfriend (who keeps asking why I'm torturing myself by reading this crap, but nvm). I can honestly say that I've never been so attracted to anyone in my life. But here's the thing: there are a lot of beautiful women in the world, and I'd have a lot of fun going to bed with, well, with basically any of them. With her… we have just as much fun afterwards, holding each other all night and talking and laughing and dreaming together. Imagine Edward and Bella in bed, right after consummating their "relationship". What the hell would they talk about?