Twilight, 21

In which your blogger ruminates on the nature of courage. Hint: he uses precisely none of the characters in this book as examples. Welcome back to Twilight, guys and dolls.

Plot: Alice has another vision. Your blogger contemplates Einstein's definition of insanity. He decides to modify it as follows: "The definition of insanity is repeating the same action multiple times in a row and expecting it to not suck every time." And yes, Stephenie Meyer, we are talking about you. Alice draws the family room in Bella's childhood home. The vampires hold a conference call. Edward is coming to get Bella. Your blogger is certain that Edward will bring much-needed energy and dynamism to the proceedings. In other news, your blogger recently came into posession of a lovely bridge and is selling timeshares. Anyone? Anyone? Bella points out, somewhat rationally, that the tracker is attempting to hurt her through loved ones. Jasper, naturally, uses his deux-ex-mindcontrol to calm her panic. Your blogger refuses to dignify this craptastic plot-device with humor. It is disturbing, invasive, and generally horrible. Anyways, Alice answers the phone, then hands it to Bella. The tracker is on the line. He has kidnapped Bella's mother, and instructs her to ditch the bodyguards and return home. Bella writes a letter declaring her never-ending love for Edward and decides to do just that. Finis.

Rant: So, vampires can hear shifts in an individual human's heartrate from across a crowded room, but can't eavesdrop on a cellphone conversation? Makes perfect sense, according to the entirely consistent rules of the world we've seen established over the preceding two-hundred pages of tightly plotted literature. Or not. Good job, Stephenie Meyer. Don't blame yourself. After all, you're only a woman, and therefore can't be trusted to utilize logic and rationality under pressure. Oh wait, no, that's just the protagonist you've spent years of interviews trying to establish as a feminist icon, when in reality she's the embodiment of everything wrong with American gender relations and patriarchal society as a whole.

I hate idiot plots. And this turd-pit of a chapter features THREE of them. Lets give out some awards...

In third place, the Bronze medal, we have the Cullen family. For their continued inability to turn overwhelming numerical and future-telling advantages into victory, for their consistent refusal to forcibly protect the humans who are Bella's weaknesses, for their failure to dynamically impose their will on any situation except Bella's emotional state, we award the Cullens bronze.

In second place, the Silver, the one and only (thank God) Bella Swan. For her willing conformity to the worst stereotypes of her gender, for her stupid acceptance of her own death when surrounded by a small army of superhumans who have already declared their endless loyalty, for her embracing of existential ennui when faced with the horrors of mild inconvenience in an otherwise perfect life, and most of all, for her inexplicable affection towards one Edward Cullen, the comittee awards Bella silver.

And (drumroll please), in first place, the Gold-Medal winning Grand Champion, the Tracker. For his cowardly targeting of innocent teenagers, for his complete lack of personality, for his idea of a challenge involving the manipulation and intimidation of humans posessing one tenth of his physical power, the comittee has the honor of presenting him the Gold Medal.

How many more chapters do I have to read?