In which Stephenie Meyer demonstrates her ability to write a marginally less boring stream of bullshit. Wait, was that a compliment? Is anyone recording this? Let's move on...
Plot: Edward and Bella walk into Carlisle's office, just in time to watch the good doctor's undoubtedly flawless marble ass retreating in the direction of the hospital. Where, maybe, he can save enough people to make up for the murder spree committed by his vampiric progeny. Because, obviously, it makes perfect sense that someone committed to protecting humanity would unleash a half-dozen supernatural killers upon it. Yes, your blogger is still bitter about that little anal wart of a character flaw. Anyways, Edward recounts the story of how Carlisle, having been turned into a Vamp(ire), discovered that he could feed from animals, and so became a semi-productive member of society. Also, Carlisle spent a few decades hanging with the vampire aristocracy in Italy, which instantly sounds more interesting than anything that has happened in this book. Our leads go to Edward's room, which appears to have been copied from Graceland during the last days of Elvis' drug addiction, but whatever. They have a ticklefight, and then two other vampires show up and say something about playing baseball in a thunderstorm. Finis.
Rant: Waaaay back in another post I'm too lazy to look up, I talked about how much I wanted to like the material surrounding Edward's vampirism reveal. This is another chapter I really, really wanted to love. But didn't. Because Stephenie Meyer is an idiot, and doesn't realize that her male protagonist is both a horrifying stalker/rapist/Charles Manson hybrid, and the most boring pile of romantic cliches ever put to paper. Carlisle, while similarly disturbing in his fetishized perfection, is much more interesting. He made the choice to live with humanity, instead of treating them strictly as cattle (I'm willing to look past the whole creation of other vampires bit, as a symptom of his existential depression). He found the willpower to resist feeding, to live by a moral code even with powerful motivations to do otherwise. The story of how he made these choices has to be fascinating, right? But it isn't, because he isn't in the room to tell it.
See, Stephenie Meyer is so focused on Edward as the Alpha and Omega that she can't even allow her other characters space to breathe under the alabaster blanket of his creepiness. Carlisle should be the one telling the story, because adding his perspective would allow some of the internal moral dialogue surrounding his actions to filter out and become part of the world of the book. We could see the embodiment of the vampiric struggle to be good in the face of their own nature, and the chapter might become downright compelling. It isn't awful as is, probably the best chapter since Jacob Black's introduction, but what a missed opportunty. Not that I expect anything less from SM, at this point.
Quick hits… Edward holds Bella like a baby. Again. I die a little inside every time that particular motif rears its shitpile of a head. From what I hear, the vampire aristocrats become major players in the next 3 books. While I'm sure SM will find a fascinatingly awful way to bungle it, the idea of castes within this society has loads of potential. The vampire house is so… ordinary. One hundred and five years and he can't come up with anything more creative than a couch and CD's and big windows? The scene on aforementioned couch is hilariously awful. Agressive cuddling? Really? I keep waiting for white Michael Jackson to show up. He and Edward would have lots to talk about….
Sweet dreams, interwebs. We'll talk soon.
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