Twiday the 13th

In which Stephenie Meyer flawlessly explains her own book…. 

Plot: Edward sparkles. That sound you hear is Bram Stoker screaming from the beyond. Bella holds his hand. A conversation comprised entirely of murmurs, grins, challenges, and stroking of glittering skin ensues. That sound you hear is your blogger screaming from his kitchen. To make matters far, far worse, it appears that Bella smells amazingly yummy to people of the vampiric persuasions. Edwards explains that she is, to put it bluntly, precisely his brand of heroin. Oh, and his brothers killed some people. But that doesn't matter because they're all nice and everything now. Except for the one who sort of isn't, but that still doesn't matter because dazzle-love-sparkle-murmur-blah-fucking-blah. Your blogger googles "statute of limitations murder," and begins taking notes. Bella touches Edward's face. He spazzes and leaves (ed. not for long enough) but comes back to explain in much detail how easily he could kill her. Bella swoons (ed. see what I did there?). Edward puts her on his back and runs back to the truck, which takes like 3 seconds because love gives you special powers. Or something. Bella almost pukes. Our leads have their first kiss, and Edward declares his love by promising to try really really hard to not rip her throat out. Your blogger runs to the nearest church, weeping that he has lost all faith in humanity. Finis.

Rant: Aaaaaand we've reached a new low. Again. Still, I'd like to congratulate Stephenie Meyer for perfectly encapsulating her own book in one little passage about heroin. These two are addicts, defined by their blind and unhealthy need. That is the defining characteristic of their "relationship." Not love, not a desire to bring each other joy, to face the challenging world as a team and overcome every obstacle in their way. Ugly, senseless Want. And Stephenie Meyer thinks this is the foundation of a great romance. She thinks that the ability to control their wanton desires is the basis of true love. I feel ill. 

Vampirism has always been about sex. Stoker's original (and quite brilliant) novel is basically a long diatribe against foreigners brining STD plagues to Britain. Think about it. Vampires visit their victims - usually young women- at night and often in their bedrooms. The vampire physically penetrates the victim, and corrupts through the exchange of bodily fluids. Not the most subtle bit of mythmaking ever, but the overt relevance to cultural experiences of the time is what gave the vampire so much staying power. And now, we have this pile of overheated feces stealing Stoker's legacy…

This entire chapter is about Edward and Bella wanting to screw themselves senseless, and resisting because…. I'm honestly not sure. The imagery and dialogue are highly sexualised (although with a disturbing overtone of rape and pedopehlia), especially in the "romantic" gesture of Edwards lips repeatedly being at her throat. What's weird, though, is that they take turns infantilising each other. Edward puts his head on Bella's chest (son to mother). Bella rides on his back (daughter to father). This, when Edward isn't rambling about the effort it takes to not bite/rape her on the spot.

I'm young enough to remember sex being very, very scary. I'm sure the girl I shared those first few experiences with was equally frightened. But we got through the fear, and started having lots of fun, because we each cared deeply about making the other happy. There's nothing wrong with being nervous, or flat-out terrified, about going to bed for the first time with someone you love. But you should never, ever, be scared of them. If you are, it isn't love. That's called rape, no matter how well its disguised or gallantly its presented. This chapter is about Edward telling Bella, flat out, that he is going to rape her and there isn't a thing she can do to stop it. No, this is not romance. Seek help, Stephenie Meyer. 

Reading Wishes: Blogspiration (2): Wise Words

Reading Wishes: Blogspiration (2): Wise Words:

A short, really lovely passage from our friends at Reading Wishes. Take 30 seconds to read it and make your day a little better.

Twilight, 12

In which your blogger contemplates passive agression. Spoiler: he doesn't like it. Further spoiler: This chapter sucks. Interested? Then, my fellow crips and bloods, let us rock.

Plot: Jacob and Billy Black watch the game at the Swan residence. Football, I think. Your blogger adds "sports" to the lengthening list of things Stephenie Meyer heard about at the tail-end of a bender with a bunch of blacking-out former Grateful Dead roadies and decided to put into her book, just because. Jacob and Bella talk, boringly. Bella, despite having had the undivided attention of everything with a functional penis since her arrival in Forks, is still mystified by a boy expressing the fact that yes, he might be interested in a relationship of the more-than-friendly persuasion. The Blacks leave and Edward comes back. Much worshipfull discussion of Edward's beauty ensues. Your blogger tracks down the Grateful Dead groupies and asks for some of whatever they're smoking. It doesn't help. At home that night, Bella drinks cough syrup to sleep, because the anguish of being away from Edward is making her act like a goldfish on carpet. Edward arrives the next morning and they go to the forest. Bella can't drive properly with the heat of Edward's gaze radiating through her bones. Your blogger fixes his girlfriend with a smoldering glare. She advises him to drink chicken soup and rest in bed for the next couple of days. Edward and Bella walk to a meadow. Its pretty. Edward walks out into the sunlight and….. and….. finis.

Rant: Remember how, not that long ago, there was another chapter featuring Jacob Black, and it kinda sorta wasn't awful? Well, neither does SM. Jake shows up in this chapter as a massive load of FORESHADOWING crap. Yes folks, he will eventually become the rival for Bella's disturbingly committed affections. Good luck, kid. In the meantime, I'll be praying that your jackass author doesn't forget about the personality and voice and recognizably human motivations that made me like you in the first place. But, based on this chapter, she already has.

Bella needs a shrink, and in the worst possible way. She and Edward aren't even officially dating, and already her entire life is defined by his presence (or the lack of it). Look, if this was just a teenage girl liking her boyfriend a little too much I wouldn't even blink. We've all been there, and its a healthy and natural part of figuring out what a relationship actually is. Bella, though, has nothing beyond their mutual emotional need. Notice how, when Edward isn't there, she isn't capable of normal interaction with other people? She's very, very far gone, and only getting worse. Especially when you take into account that he's repeatedly promised to do her physical harm, and for some who-the-fuck-knows of a reason that makes her want him even more. And yes, I said "want," not "love."

If anyone thinks I'm delving too deep into the brain of a fictional character… well, you're probably right. I think this exercise is important, though. I'm a grown man, with a stablized personality and a strong social structure around me. That's why I can read this crap from an intellectual remove, and give it the mocking it richly deserves. Problem is, most of the audience for this is young, female, and still learning how to define their relationships with romantic/sexual partners. And the thought of someone like that reading this book and taking it to heart scares the hell out of me. So, my goal is to use this book, rancid though it is, as the starting point for a much larger conversation. Maybe then it won't be such a waste of good trees after all.

The Dark Knight does what again?

No Twilight tonight, because I had a long day and those posts take forever to write. Snark is an artform, and art can't be rushed.

Went to the Batman movie last night. My girlfriend, incidentally, is what she refers to as a "recovering comichead." Beautiful, smart, and a complete nerd. How did I get this lucky? Anyways… I'd been interested to see this more than any movie in the past couple of years. Reviews have been mixed. Travers loves it, Ebert is enthusiastic but careful, the dude at Slate calls it a masterpiece, Denver Post says it sucks. Weird, since all four usually fall for anything with technical skill and something resembling intellectual ambition.

I see why people are lukewarm. The film takes its sweet time getting to the good stuff, and even that is oddly muted. Batman has two big hand-to-hand scenes in nearly three hours, and one of those consists of him getting his ass kicked. Not what you'd expect, from the ungodly-budgeted sequel to the ungodly-grossing critical darling of all comic-book movies. The fights are centered around vehicles, which by definition have no personality, and the film's big dramatic payoff comes with a dude doing the longjump, basically. All legitimate criticisms, and obstacles to enjoying what I honestly think is the best movie I've seen this year. So why the diference? Well, aside from a bunch of good critics walking in expecting The Avengers and blinking when Nolan hit them, a few things.

First, this is a film about age. For all his ability to shrug off knee injuries/concussions/vertebraestickingoutofhisfuckingspine, Bruce Wayne is older and physically broken. He's skilled enough to handle the various faceless henchmen, but against Bane (a stronger, more savage version of himself) he has nothing. This is important, because his emotional arc leads to the acceptance of that age, the knowledge that he no longer has the edge of insanity that gave him his abilities in the first place. The clock spins backwards for a few key moments (the second fight), but this is a Batman with grey on his wings. Yes, there are less fights, but there is less fight in his personality. In TDK, he took a savage joy in his work- watch him slam Joker's skull into a table and tell me didn't enjoy that- but not anymore.

Second, the villain. Tom Hardy is a spectacular actor, and gives us a Bane for the ages, but with that mask he doesn't have the raw charisma of Ledger in the second film. Nor should he. The Joker is frightening because he represents anarchy, but for that exact reason he is not a threat to Batman on a psycological level. Crazy people are just crazy, even when they temper that quality with intelligence and organization. Bane, though, isn't a lunatic. He knows precisely what he is doing, and works towards intelligently determined goals. That, I think, is the reason for the high-culture Brit rasp coming out from behind the mask. He is cultured, and civilized, and so very close to what Bruce could have been, in another time and place and life. The Joker is an agent of chaos, but Bane is the dark mirror held up for Batman to look into his own soul.

Last, and this is where we get meta, the role of comic book movies. Look, I applaud Marvel for their accomplishments in the last five years. The Avengers is beautifully done and great entertainment, as are all the films leading up to it in that universe. Thing is, that's all the Marvel films have, surface and gloss and punchlines. That's ok. They're tons of fun, and cinema is about entertainment. But Nolan is after something deeper and darker and more complicated. TDKR isn't a particuarly fun film, and I say that as someone who enjoyed it immensely. This movie is about one man commiting suicide, letting the second personality hidden under his skin drift into the night and die quietly. The joy we feel at the end, watching Alfred's eyes tear, is earned. In order for it to be so, we have to take a very dark journey indeed, and some of the reckless fun of other, easier comic movies is lost in the process. So yes, this is a hard film to enjoy. Its called The Dark Knight Rises, people. As yourself: rising from what?

Twilight, 11

In which your blogger thinks about sex. A lot. Also vampires. And, of course, the depressed and depressing. Interested? Then, my fellow children of the corn, let us rock.

Plot: Bella and Edward go to biology class, sitting so close they almost touch. Please hold your screams to the end, ladies. The teacher, completely coincidentally and in a move that doesn't reek in the slightest of Deux-Ex-Machina by an overmatched author, is showing a movie. Bella feels a spark coming off Edward, who really shouldn't have worn fleece over flannel. She watches his eyes smoldering in the dark. Your blogger throws up in his mouth, just a little. The movie ends and they walk to gym. Edward… No, I can't believe it…. touches her on the cheek. Bella survives gym, despite being too dazzled to do much of anything. Mike doesn't like Edward. Good judge of character, that Mike. Edward, obviously, listened to Mike's thoughts during the class. Somehow this is romantic. People are staring at Rosalie's car. Bella has heard of BMW, an automaker which sold 247,907 cars in fiscal year 2011. Her mother must be so proud. Edward won't let her see him hunt because when they do, vamps go into a kind of feeding frenzy. Not bad, Stephenie Meyer, not bad. Edward asks lots of questions, such as about Bella's favorite color, which, obviously, has changed to the exact shade of his eyes. Bad, Stephenie Meyer, very bad. The questions continue. Your blogger decides not to waste your time with recapping. Big E drops her at home, and leaves suddenly when Billy Black adds a little sanity to the proceedings by showing up and glaring at him. Finis.

Rant: This chapter exists. I don't know why. Nothing happens, except for boring and pointless exposition layered with scenes re-used from earlier in the book. Stephenie Meyer seems to have run out of ideas, and so begins stealing from herself (hint: if you're going to plagiarize, aim higher). There is, for example, the scene of Bella being comically clumsy in gym. Maybe this is supposed to function as plot development, showing Bella's inability to keep the creepy vampire from fucking with her brain (or something). Maybe its a character note, presenting Bella's awful self-image as a contrast to the earlier bits of Edward drooling at her. Maybe Stephenie Meyer has heard that literature is usually made up of words and sentences all jumbled together, so she decided to do that just like a real author. I don't know. Or care, really.

There are, oddly enough, rational characters in this mess. Mike, Charlie, and Billy all exhibit something that could be considered sensible human motivations. Except that, in the cesspit of SM's worldview, Mike is pathetic and annoying, Charlie oblivious, and Billy inexplicably hostile. They'd get in the way of the fantasy, and so must be marginalized and dismissed. Meanwhile, Edward is perfect, flawless, exquisite, and every other disgustingly worshipful descriptor SM found in what I'm sure is a singularly well-thumbed copy of the OED. He can do no wrong, even when reducing Bella's fragile self-esteem to complete dependence on him, and depriving her of anything resembling privacy for good measure.

Now about all the touching… Look, I'm a 23 year old dude. I have a gorgeous girlfriend (who keeps asking why I'm torturing myself by reading this crap, but nvm). I can honestly say that I've never been so attracted to anyone in my life. But here's the thing: there are a lot of beautiful women in the world, and I'd have a lot of fun going to bed with, well, with basically any of them. With her… we have just as much fun afterwards, holding each other all night and talking and laughing and dreaming together. Imagine Edward and Bella in bed, right after consummating their "relationship". What the hell would they talk about?

A story that needs to be heard….

http://www.bitemybooks.com/2012/07/17-year-old-rape-victim-refused-to-be.html

Everybody, please read this. Sign the petition, shine a light, bring the change. I'm still collecting my thoughts about this story, and may or may not do a post about it. For now, lets go viral with this sucker. Some things need to be seen.

Twilight, 10

In which nothing makes any sense…

Plot: Bella wakes up, wondering if the previous night was a dream. To borrow a line from Inception, "You musn't be afraid to dream a little bigger darling." She finds Edward, en-volvo'd, waiting to drive her to school. By the way, fifty bucks to anyone who can explain SM's volvo fetish. Quality cars…but, come on. Give him something capable of breaking 100mph if you're going to mention it every damn page. They park next to E's sister's flashy car. I write "sportscar" just below "computer" on the list of things Stephenie Meyer has clearly never seen. Guess that explains the volvo business. Which is sad, since she's a kajillionaire and could buy a different Lambo for every day of the week, if she wasn't so busy polluting the publishing industry with this drivel. Anyways, Bella spends the day being interrogated by her friend whose name I probably should've learned by now. She and big E meet for lunch, and spend that romantic interlude debating which of them loves the other more. Yes, really. Oh, and Edward eats mountain lions for fun. Finis. 

Rant: This evening, we begin with a quote. "Has he kissed you yet?" -boring friend whose name I will now stop pretending to care about. And that, my friends, is the entire problem with this book, presented in a single excruciatingly shitty sentence for your mocking pleasure. What? My turn already? If you insist.

Bella is passive. Things happen to her, not because of her. Look at how she reacts to finding out her crush is a GODDAMN VAMPIRE. FYI, I refuse to refer to Edward as her boyfriend. That term would imply a relationship, which only happens when people have common interests and mutual passion and actual conversations. But I digress. Bella treats the vampirism news as a mildly diverting, even pleasantly interesting shift in her world. About how I react to finding out the RedSox made a big trade, basically. I can't say it enough, but this is not how real people act. This is what happens when a crappy amateur writer has a sexual fantasy and somehow makes a book out of it. Nice gig, if you can get it. 

The other, and immense, issue with that quote is that it implies Bella's sexual future will be equally out of her control. Edward will decide when to kiss her, and presumably when to do other things. Unless we're living in Afghanistan and nobody told me, women are allowed a vote in these things too. There's lots of other stuff here I could dissect (haven't even touched on the lunch scene), but somehow the insides of my eyelids seem more interesting than this book, so I'm gonna call it a night. Peace. 

Twilight, 9

In which your blogger ponders the dangers of pop-culture…

Plot: Bella and Edward drive home. Edward likes to drive really fast. This, your blogger supposes, is SM's version of character building. Big E, to the surprise of absolutely nobody, is a vampire. He doesn't sleep, is unaffected by sunlight, and survives on the blood of animals. Your blogger wonders how PETA hasn't thrown a fit about that last bit. Ah well, still time… Bella handles all of these things with roughly the same amount of excitement your blogger evinces when presented with a particularly compelling grocery list by his mother. Edward tells Bella that she realy needs to stay away from him, despite the fact that he's been FOLLOWING HER ALL NIGHT. I don't even have a joke for this. It is deeply disturbing and I refuse to dignify it with humor. Anyways… our leads declaim about how much they can't concentrate while apart or something. Bella eventually gets back to her room, and decides that she is "completely irrevocably in love" with the creepy vampire dude who likes to talk about how he's still seventeen despite really being much older and therefore kind of a pedophile, since the age of consent in WA is still 18, as of the last time your blogger looked (roughly 30 seconds ago).

Rant: I publicly committed to reading this entire series (albeit not under my real name) and I'm going to do it because I don't like to break promises. But we should be clear about something: I despise this book. It has no redeeming qualities, no cultural or literary value. The world is a worse place because it exists. I strongly recommend that you go read something else, and I'll be delighted to provide recommendations to make that process easier.

Now then… This chapter is utter crap on every level. It is terribly written, with the inordinate amount of dialogue only serving to highlight SM's annoying use of adverbs, dialogue verbs, and every other crutch terrible writers have been using since Rome. But honestly, I could forgive those faults if they were presented in service of characters or a story I wanted to read.

They are not. Edward is an awful, profoundly fucked-up abomination of a character. Think about the way he is acting here. He follows Bella without permission, invades her privacy and the most intimate thoughts of her friends, informs her that he will probably do physical violence to her at some point in the future, and that's supposed to be HIS DECLARATION OF LOVE. Oh, and he's an old man saying these things to a vulnerable teenage girl. I don't care how well preserved you are, asshole. Having a good skin-care regime does not make you young.

I wish the shit stopped flowing with Edward, but it doesn't. Why? BECAUSE BELLA TAKES IT. She hears all of this, all of the same things that have me grinding my teeth as I type, and declares her irrevocable love. Stephenie Meyer, listen up: Relationships are about compromise, the meeting and joining of two personalities, each with dreams and desires and opinions and lives of their own. What you've presented here, Stephenie Meyer, is not the start of a relationship. I don't know what it is, other than profoundly and utterly wrong.

If I saw my little sister reading this book, I would take it from her hands and burn it to ash. Good night.

Twilight, 8

In which Bella is stupid, humanity is awful, and your blogger ponders the nature of secrets. Also, Edward is back. This does not fill me with eternal joy.

Plot: Bella and two other girls whose names I still haven't bothered to learn go to Port Angeles to buy dresses for the upcoming dance everyone is so inexplicably obsessed with. They shop, and make what I'm sure SM fondly imagines could be called "girl talk." Because, obviously, humans of the female persuasion talk about boys, clothing, shoes and absolutely nothing else. They finish early, and Bella splits away from the other two in order to find a bookstore. She walks into the wrong part of town, and gets "herded" into a trap by a bunch of men with less-than-honorable intentions. Edward, long lost and not even slightly missed, shows up, scatters the bad dudes, and hilariously demands Bella distract him so that he won't turn his shiny volvo around and rip out their throats (ed. why not, dammit?).  He and Bella go to dinner, passing and dismissing the other girls on their way in. Edward dazzles every woman in the restaurant. Oh, and he's been following Bella all night. Dear Bella: when a guy stalk you without permission, you're allowed to call the police. Your father, for example. Bella does pretty much the exact opposite of that. Oh, and Edward can read minds. That's probably important. Anyways, Edward puts his head in his hand (ed. really?) and they declaim at each other a while longer before leaving. Finis.

Rant: You know, I've read a lot of novels in my life. Many of them featured characters I didn't like. And that's cool. Great villains are one of the markers of quality literature, especially the action/adventure/sf/f I've always loved. So, disliking a character, their actions and personality and driving forces, is nowhere near being a dealbreaker. Usually the opposite, in fact. All that said, Edward Cullen is the first literary character I've actively despised. I mean this on two levels. First, Edward Cullen the person (I strongly believe we should treat characters as people within the diegetic world), is disgusting. He follows Bella, robs her of any and all agency in determining her actions, and treats other people as lesser lifeforms. THAT'S NOT ROMANTIC, JACKASS. Second, I absolutely hate the thought process that went into creating him. As said above, great books almost always have great villains. Except, as I'm sure you've noticed, Edward is supposed to be the hero. SM wants us to see this creepy, arrogant, condescending, stalkerish prick as a knight-in-armor, come to rescue the helpless female who can't possibly be entrusted with the awesome responisbility of navigating through the big, scary world all by her lonesome. Seriously, read this chapter, notice how every single woman is ready to spread their legs for Edward, and tell me SM isn't a misogynist.

I spent four years in Hartford, CT, counting sirens every night as I lay in bed. Thing was, I never had a bit of trouble in the city. Partially because I'm not an idiot about this stuff, but mostly because the vast majority of people are productive members of society who really have no interest in hurting anyone. Wht I'm trying to get at is this: SM's view of humanity is horrible. The men Bella encounters are brutish, sex-obsessed, and barely evolved past ape-level. So, the choice becomes between living in that world, and giving in to the alabaster prison of Cullen-style ownership. Those aren't the only options, folks.

Other things… How funny is it when Edward tells Bella to distract him so he won't kill the would-be rapists? Honestly, I wish SM had the guts to have him turn around and start shredding jugulars. That, at least, would force the characters into interesting moral dilemmas and choices. As is, this whole thing is so… bloodless (sorry, couldn't resist). Those other girls eat awfully fast. Its almost like their incompetent author needed a way to drop that mini-scene into the book, so she went ahead an did it, temporal conundrums be damned.

And I think that'll do it for another night. Stay classy, San Diego.

Twilight, 7

In which your fearless tourguide contemplates the dangers of being an English major. Interested? Then, boys and girls, let us rock.

Plot: Bella has a dream. Jacob turns into a wolf, and Edward shows up in full vampire-mode and performs an interpretative dance based on the life of Klaus Kinski. Also, foreshadowing. Actually, this is more like fore-spotlighting, fore-neonoutlining, and fore-powerpointingwith50ptfont, but whatever. Bella wakes up. She googles "vampires." I wonder how SM became a published author, because based on this scene her only contact with a computer involved a senile great-aunt describing one once, but again, whatever. Bella goes outside and tries to read Jane Austen, which fails becasue Austen wrote heroes with names beginning in E. Yes, really. That scene exists. Bella wonders if Edward is a vampire. She contemplates ignoring him for the rest of forever, but decides against it because the though is too painful. I make confused noises. Our heroine returns to school. Things of much boringness occur. Big E isn't there, so Bella decides to go dress-shopping with other girls. Finis.

Rant: I don't even know where to start. Maybe the Jane Austen scene, with its ham-fisted namedropping of literary classics whose titles this book is not worthy of mentioning? Perhaps the computer scene, which reads like a collaboration between an Alzheimers patient and an overcaffienated six-year old who just wants to look at the pretty pictures. Or, we could turn our attention to the dream, which manages to squeeze the entire plot of the series into a single-page insomnia cure. But no, ladies and gents, we will discuss none of those things. One, because they all suck. And two, because none of them represent the real problem with this overhyped pile of crap.

Stephenie Meyer wrote a bad book and got rich. Good for her- and I say that with total sincerity. I'd never resent anyone for providing a great living for their children (and several generations after, based on her book sales & movie rights). This though… this is more than bad. Its dangerous. I've been in love and I've been infatuated. It took years and lots of pain before I figured out the difference. SM is older than I am. She is a wife and a mother. And she's written a book about a seventeen-year old girl risking her life for an infatuation. I… I don't like where this is going, folks. I don't like the message, the moral compass or the intellectual process underlying it. I really don't like that this story is based on Romeo and Juliet.

That play, for anyone who has bothered to give it the time and attention it deserves, is not a romance. Its a story about idiotic, hormonal kids giving up everything to be together. Guess what, they die. Badly. Uselessly. And now Stephanie Meyer has re-written it for the 21st century. This chapter is the choice, the first rumble of fate avalanching into the abyss. And SM thinks its ok. I can almost hear her applauding as Bella mopes about not being able to sit with a GODDAMN VAMPIRE. Love is terrifying in so many ways, but its isn't dangerous. Go read Shakespeare and be warned.

Twilight, 6

In which, to my endless astonishment, I don't hate everything.

Plot: Bella looks out her window and sees her truck safely returned, presumably by the mysterious Alice (who I am very not looking forward to meeting). She goes to school, and finds the good weather sufficiently inspiring that she mopes about Edward being away with his brother. I try to decide if she needs a slap or a hug. Possibly both… The next day, Bella joins the eager puppy (Mike) and several others on a trip to the beach. After some wandering, during which SM trys and fails to write proper descriptions of what I'm sure is a stunning landscape, Bella meets a native kid, Jacob, and hilariously flirts him into telling tribal stories. Jacob mentions that his tribe is supposedly descended from wolves (that sound you hear is foreshadowing putting a dent in the floor), and that they are the enemies of the blood-drinking "Cold Ones." Bella and Jake decide to be friends. I nod approvingly.

Mildly Rantish Thoughts: This is, by far, the best chapter of Twilight I've read. That fact does not, for reasons I'll get to a bit later, make me optimistic for the book or series as a whole, but I'll give credit where its due. So, why is it good? First, the pacing is excellent. Things happen, quickly and dynamically, and in such a way that I feel I've gotten to know the world and the characters better as a result. This, if anyone was wondering, is the function of plot in books that might accurately be called "literature." Second, Jacob is already my favorite character in the novel. He is awkward, intelligent, warm, funny, and a bit of a showoff. A fairly normal teenage guy, in other words. He has a genuine and distinct personality, and speaks in a unique voice. That, ladies and gents, is what a real character looks like. Especially one that is not shoehorned into the plot, but is allowed to breathe a little and act like a human being. Third, Bella and Jacob have a conversation. They do not declaim at each other, but speak in a way that I can buy as the first meeting between two teenagers experiencing some mild mutual attraction. Fourth, and this is the reason the chapter does not fill me with optimism for the rest of the book, Edward Cullen is not in it.

Stephenie Meyer is telling a very specific story here, the story of how Edward and Bella get all happily-ever-after. That fact should be obvious to everyone who's made it this far, assuming you all read English and possess a functioning frontal cortex. It's inevitable. And it's sucking the life out of the book. See, good novels depend on tension. The protagonist establishes a goal early on, and the plot comes from his/her attempt to achieve the goal.  I've read six chapters of the first book in a long series, and there isn't a doubt in my skull that Bella will get what she wants. Sure, other authors (GRRM most notably and brutally) will tease sucess as a way to set up a sucker-punch, but this aint that kind of rodeo. All of which is a very long-winded way of saying: The main plot of the book, the "romance" between Bella and Edward, is boring and pointless. All I'm looking at is a very long journey towards something I already know is going to happen. This is why the best chapter of the book, tonights, is also the first that's related only tangentially to the main plot.

There is hope for Stephenie Meyer as an author, but I don't think this is going to be the book that fulfills it. And that, as they say, is that. Goodnight everybody, we'll talk tomorrow. Peace.

Twilight, Chapter 5

… In which the romance of the (decade? century? all eternity?) begins its inevitable fizzle into lukewarm declarations of poorly-written passion. Or something. Lets rock.

Plot: Two chicks and a vampire walk into a cafeteria… No, really. That's what happens. I'm not making it up, promise. Basically, Bella walks into lunch and sees Edward sitting alone. He crooks a single alabaster finger, and they have a conversation I thought about recapping before realizing that I have better things to do with my life. Self-administered root canal, for example. Short version: Edward says they shouldn't be friends, Bella trembles with longing, Edward says they should be friends, Bella trembles with delight. Our fearless heroine goes to bio, nearly passes out at the sight of what is quite possibly the worst shoehorning of a plot-device I've ever seen (meaning blood), and goes outside to be rescued by her marble-skinned knight. He carries her to the nurse, charms that singularly spineless example of the medical industry into excusing Bella from class, and then insists on driving Bella home. Actually, he drags her to the car and threatens to more-or-less kidnap her home if she doesn't accept his help (more on this in a moment). Bella talks about her mother. Edward drops her at home. She slams the door and tries to stalk angrily away. And fails. Finis.

Rant: In On Writing, Stephen King spends a section discussing, with more detail and eloquence than I'll ever be able to use, exactly why the use of adverbs as dialogue qualifiers is a strong marker of bad writing. Essentially, anything in quotations should be followed by "said," the name/identifier of the speaker, and nothing else. Words that end in -ly (gruffly, warningly, menacingly, patiently, longingly) weaken prose and reveal that the author lacks confidence in her own ability to convey information/character/plot through the dialogue itself. In the same way, use of dialogue verbs other than "said" shows that the author does not trust her audience to get what they need from the dialogue, thus necessitating the addition of another verb (ex. warned, reminded, retorted, jeered, mocked, challenged etc) to convey more information. I mention this because I believe, and have for a long time, that great dialogue is the vital pulse of great writing. Stephanie Meyers' dialogue is pure deadweight. Part of this is her inability to write convincing characters, but mostly it is general incompetence as an author. Look through chapter 5 of Twilight, and find one single instance of speech ending with "Edward said." Go ahead, I'll wait.

Now, about the plot…. Ladies, if a guy ever tries to forcibly drag you into a car, scream as loud as you can, knee him in the crotch, then run far and fast. Gentlemen, I'm sure none of you have read this book anyways, but suffice it to say that acting like Edward Cullen will not get you a girlfriend. It may get you arrested. Seriously, this is what passes for romance now? I'm all for chivalry, for men opening doors and offering a supporting arm when girls have been rendered hilariously helpless by a drop of blood, but this entire thing is absurd. It's a fantasy, a modern respinning of the knight-in-shining-armor mystique (crossed with an inept Romeo and Juliet retelling) that robs Bella of anything resembling agency in determining her own fate. As I said, I don't have a problem with gender roles to a certain degree, but the fact remains that a real relationship is a meeting between equals and this is anything but. I find the entire thing more than slightly disturbing, and from what I know of the plot we're just getting started. So yeah, I'm going to be getting angry in this space pretty often for the next few months. Should be fun. See you tomorrow, boys and girls.

Its sumertiiiiiiiiiime

and livin aint as easy as it should be. Regularly scheduled coverage of all things crappy-teen-lit will resume tomorrow. For now, here's something to tide everyone over. Peace.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYPoqPBp1n8&feature=relmfu

Twilight, chapter 4

Another day, another dollar, another chapter full of moping teenagers. Why are they moping? Lets find out…

Plot: Bella dreams of Edward, walking away and leaving her alone. Holy Mother of overwrought symbolism, Batman. BTW, this chapter apparently covers an entire month. It feels like three years. But I digress. Bella, post almost truck-squishing, becomes even more inexplicably popular. Seriously, these kids need to get out more. Edward ignores her in class. A girl whose name I haven't bothered remembering asks Bella's permission to take Mike to some kind of dance shindig. Edward tells Bella its better if they aren't friends. The entire school lines up to ask Bella to the aforementioned dance. I treat a bottle of tylenol like a pez dispenser. Bella decides to go to Seattle instead of the dance. Seems excessive…. Edward, whose hearing is apparently reaaaaaaly good, asks if she wants a ride. She nods, dumbstruck by the full gloriousness of his beauty. I open WebMD and search "bipolar disorder." Finis.

Rant: Really? Stephenie Meyer, listen carefully. People are not plot devices. Edward, for whatever reason, doesn't want to be friends with Bella. I'll buy that, since I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that miserable either. And, as a character choice, it works. We already know this is a love story. Him falling for her, after struggling desperately not to, is a strong dramatic arc, and will make the eventual payoff all the better. Yes, its been done, but the whole vampirism aspect is enough of a twist that I'd be willing to overlook the recycled plotline. This, though, isn't a struggle. There is no dawning affection, gradual breaking down of the insurmountable barriers seperating the two leads. SM has decided its time for them to get close, and so they get close. These aren't characters, believable people with personalities and hopes and desires and fears. They are chess pieces sliding on a board.

I don't mind a little deux-ex-machina in my literature. JK Rowling, for example, changes the rules of her own world every six pages, usually as a way to ratchet dramatic tension. And it works, in large part because she never screws with the personalities of the characters we've come to love. Twilight is… I don't even know. Wish fulfilment, maybe? But no, that isn't it either. Wish fulfillment usually involves happiness of some kind. And these characters are all miserable. There is no humor, no light or laughter or joy. Just rain and fear and desperation. Maybe its just me, but I like to think there's more to life than that.

Twilight, Chapter 3

Hi kids, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled blogging. Took a holiday break yesterday, but the hangover wore off and I'm ready to blog the hell out of Twilight for your reading pleasure. On second thoughts, drinking might make this thing go down easier. Excuse me a second…

Plot: Bella wakes up, eats breakfast, sees that it snowed overnight. I try to figure out the meteorological implications of the snowstorm, and give up when the words "Mayan Apocalypse" start showing up over and over. Bella drives to school, and is touched that Charlie put snowchains on her truck. Chains? Really? I open Stephenie Meyer's website and try to figure out if she's ever seen snow. In the parking lot, Bella is nearly pancaked by a skidding van. Edward goes supersonic to her side and blocks the van with one hand, never once losing the awesomeness of his coif. I contemplate Newton's laws, which S.M. has clearly never done. Bella is transported to the hospital, and meets Edward's father. Charlie makes angry noises. Edward refuses to tell her how he did it, while making it completely clear that he did something, instead of denying everything like anyone with a brain would logically do.

Rant: I want to love this chapter, so badly. Done right, this is the grade-A solid gold money-in-the-bank  big reveal. This, unfortunately, is pretty much the opposite of doing it right. First, it falls waaaaaay too early in the book. We have no sense of who Edward is as a character, so the idea that he's been hiding something is basically pointless. No emotional investment= me not giving a damn. Second, SM has foreshadowed the Vampirism so awkwardly that it doesn't feel like a surprise. She's been hammering us over the head that Edward is inhuman (beauty-wise mostly), and now goes ahead and tells us he isn't human. Try to contain your astonishment.

Most of all though, I have no clue why Edward would act as he does at the end of the chapter. He sees Bella about to die, and being a fundamentally good person intervenes to save her. Fine. Why not use his own cover story, convince Bella she got clobbered and saw things, and get on with his life? His denial is so hilariously designed to keep Bella interested that he might as well carve "I am not human" into his exquisitely alabaster forehead. I hate idiot plots.

Also, the dialogue all sucks. The mark of great dialogue is that it reveals character without needlessly recapping the plot. See the "Royale with cheese" sequence in Pulp Fiction for a justly famous example. Plus, the absurd fetishizing of physical beauty at the expense of minor details like integrity, honesty, personality, and compassion continues apace. So yeah, that's more than slightly disturbing.

Twilight, Chapter 2

Why do I do these things? Commit in writing to massive, painful projects which will undoubtedly consume my life through the sheer force of their boringitude? Ah well, question for another day. Onwards!

Plot: Bella goes home from school, moping as she tries to figure out what's wrong with her. I make sympathetic noises. She buys groceries, starts dinner, emails her mother. I make bored noises. She goes to school. Edward Cullen is gone. She thinks it must be her fault, then mopes about being so irrational. I consult the OED and spend several minutes contemplating all possible meanings of the word "depression." Eventually, Edward comes back. He looks healthier. He and Bella meet-cute doing a lab project. I youtube "grass growing" for background excitement. Bella tells her life story, then mopes about spilling to a complete stranger. While leaving the parkinglot, she almost backs into a car. Edward laughs. Finis.

Rant: I once dated a girl who got offered a modeling contract at the age of fifteen. She was, as the great sage Zoolander put it, really ridiculously good looking. The relationship lasted about four weeks, by which time I'd realised that she was an awful person who I never wanted to speak with, ever again. Point being, just because someone has nice bonestructure doesn't make them a good or even worthwhile companion. Now, teenagers (and even 23 year olds like me) frequently think with their hormones and ask questions later. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, btw. Some of the best nights of my life have started with exactly that line of thinking. My problem is that Twilight already seems to be fetishizing Edward based solely on his appearance. Put differently, he's awesome because he's hot. That's… not a good way to judge people.

In fact, all of the characters are so one dimensional they might as well be printed. Mike is an eager puppy, Charlie is awkward, Bella has the self-esteem of fresh roadkill. The Cullens are beautiful.  Its early days, so perhaps we'll see things like depth and complex motivations later on but… No, let's be real, probably not. How many chapters do I have left again?

Other thoughts… First, this entire chapter is Ambien-overdose levels of soporific. Wordy and flaccid and terribly paced. Great authors, the ones who write real characters with interesting worldviews, can make internal monolgue thoroughly awesome. Stephenie Meyer is the other kind. Bella is so meek, its kind of stunning that anything actually happens to her. I found myself getting semi-interested when she contemplated demanding Edward explain his behaviour, but then it never happened and things got boring again. Great characters, almost invariably, shape the world around them. This crap reads like a highschooler's rolodex. Things happened, duly noted. Now for the love of God please do something about it.

Twilight, Chapter 1...

… and prologue, if that counts. So yeah, I'm still doing this. Reading every word on every page of every book, followed by one of my signature written rants about how much it all sucks. Except that, to my immense surprise, the first chapter of Twilight isn't as awful as I remembered. Its not great, or even especially compelling, but weirdly tolerable all the same.

Plot: There is a prologue. The narrator is about to die. She's cool with it. Something good happened that lets her go peacefully. Prolgue ends, first chapter starts, and we meet the immortal Bella Swan. She whines. About everything. I contemplate slapping her for whining. She voluntarily exiles herself to Forks, Washington. Where it rains. A lot. We meet her father, Chief of Police Charlie Swan. He has bought her an old pickup truck as a homecoming gift. Bella whines more. She goes to school. Mopes about not fitting in. Sees the Cullen family in the cafeteria. Is astonished at their sheer gorgeousness. Edward Cullen is in her Biology class, and seems to hate her. He tries to switch sections. Fails. Bella whines about his irrational dislike. Goes home, trying not to cry. Finis.

Rant: Lets get this out of the way up front: Stephenie Meyer is an incompetent writer. Truly, deeply, and possibly irredeemably crappy. I'm willing to be patient, because this is the first chapter of her first published book, but Good God. Telling instead of showing, constant dialogue attribution, adverbs every third word… its like she was given "The Elements of Style" as a Christmas gift, but instead of reading she burned it and took a crap on the ashes. I'll doubtless have more to say about this in the weeks and months ahead, but suffice it to say that William Gibson she aint.

The plot is…meh. Derivative, and the shoddy presentation doesn't help, but the archetypes she's using are enduring for a reason. We all love outsiders, believing that the ugly duckling can morph into a beautiful Swan (get it?) and win the prince. I guess this, more than anything, is the reason I didn't actively despise the chapter. Bella is shown here as a truly, existentially depressed human being. Yes, her problems are more mild inconvenience than torture, but part of being a teenager is learning that the little everyday pains mean nothing in determining one's lifelong happiness. And really, she doesn't seem like a bad kid. The interaction with her father is stiffly written, but its also clumsy and sweet and genuinely human. Weird as it might sound, I want this girl to do well.

The part with the (spoiler alert!) vampire family is pure plot device at this point. They aren't characters yet, so we'll leave discussion of them for another day. I have to say though, I like the possibilities of putting vampires in highschool. Bram Stoker's Dracula is a powerfully sexual, carnal creature. Hormonal teenagers thinking about penetration all the time…. Well, hopefully I don't have to draw anyone a map. Good night, interwebs. Chapter 2 tomorrow.

Announcing a New Series….

I hate hypocrites. People who say one thing and do another, who spit accusations without ever taking a hard look at themselves. And recently, I realized that I'd become one. I trash-talked a book (actually an entire series) that I've never read. Silver lining: I've been trying to decide on this blog's raison d'etre, the defining project that would give it a goal and focus. So, ladies and gents, I'm happy to announce that I will read and blog the entire Twilight series, chapter by chapter, start to finish.

I'm aware that this has already been done, and done brilliantly, in other corners of the interwebs. Go to Sparknotes, and read Dan Bergsten's work if you don't believe me. What makes me different? Well, I'm a huge sf/f nerd. I've read and reread GOT, WOT, Dune, the collected works of Neal Stephenson, and Alastair Reynolds more times than I care to count. I'll tell anyone who cares to listen that William Gibson is the most influential author of the last three decades (and my personal favorite). Obvioously, I'm inclined to enjoy a heavy dose of the supernatural in my literature. I also don't discriminate against books becasue they're supposedly written for a YA audience. I discovered The Hunger Games and His Dark Materials in my twenties, and loved both. All of which is to say that I think I can give Twilight a fair shake, as books and as cultural phenomena.

And that is going to be my main interest here. If I have a primary intellectual angle, its in the area of what is called "cultural criticism." Simply put, I'm fascinated by the way that books, movies, television and music reflect and shape the culture which they produce or are produced by. I can't say yet whether I love Twilight, hate it, or fall somewhere in the middle, but I do respect its cultural impact. I'm going to go in to this with as open a mind as I can, and we'll talk along the way. First post goes up tomorrow, and let the 74th annual… (sorry, couldn't resist."