In which Stephenie Meyer remembers that books are frequently based around "plots," which generally involve things happening and stuff…
Plot: Edward drops Bella at home. The Blacks are waiting. Wow, that sounded racist. Billy brought fish fry. Your blogger approves. Billy and Bella talk, over the course of a scene that in any other book would have been meant as a self-referential parody of every crappy interrogation in every spy movie, ever. Needless to say, he thinks the Cullens are creepy and wishes Bella would put boot to Edward's ass. Then, because anything resembling dramatic conflict is evil and cannot be tolerated, he decides that its all her business anyway and leaves without an argument. Jacob, who you might recall is your blogger's favorite character in the book, has nothing to do because, like all good plot devices, he's being shelved until his idiot author decides she needs to ramp up the love-triangle tension a bit. Charlie arrives and makes angry-dad noises about Bella having a date, since it wouldn't make any sense for him to treat Bella like she has a brain and is perhaps capable of running her own life with his guidance and help. Christ, your blogger despises this book. Edward arrives with a completely non-phallic overiszed jeep. He kiss-dazzles Bella into letting him carry her on his flawlessly alabaster shoulders to the baseball diamond. Because, obviously, teenage girls are governed by their hormones and are completely incapable of utilizing higher brain-function when in the presence of a boy they might be interested in banging at some point in the future. The vampires play baseball. Yes, its precisely as boring as it sounds. Alice gets all upset because the other vampires she foresaw are showing up early, drawn by the noise of the game. They're hungry. Finis.
Rant: I keep trying to tell myself that she's getting better. I mean, the book is about vampires and sex. Can't be boring right? Right? Wrong. So very, very wrong. Lets see…
The conversation between Bella and Billy might be the worst thing in this brainfart of a novel, and I don't say that lightly. Billy comes over because he's worried about his best friend's kid, and tries to warn her away from danger. Cool. My question: does he know about the vampirism deal? Aside from that minor issue, the Cullen's are sickeningly flawless, so there wouldn't be much reason for him to be concerned with Bella (not)boning one of them. If he does know, why in the hell does he leave without putting up anything resembling a fight? Oh, that's right, he leaves because the entire scene arises from Stephenie Meyer artificially creating conflict to show how much Edward and Bella have overcome en-route to the climactic sexy-times three books down the line. Which might work, if the aforementioned obstacles to coitus didn't have all the substance of damp toiletpaper.
Now, I know I talk about my personal life a lot on this blog, but hopefully the audience can be patient another few moments while I make a excessively long-winded point… My girlfriend is five years younger than I am. We started dating right after she turned 18. I've known her parents for years (long story), and like them a great deal, but the first time I met them as the guy sleeping with their baby girl I was a complete nervous-breakdown-oh-shit-why-the- hell-am-I-doing-this-run-now-you-fucking-fool wreck. The pre-emptive freakout, as is so often the case, turned out to be completely unessecary. They were warm, welcoming, and quite distinctly didn't make any death threats. After dinner, when I asked to be pointed in the direction of a guest room, they both laughed, thanked me for my good manners, said I had their permission to stop hyperventilating and also to sleep with their daughter (which I did). Several months later, I asked her father why he'd been so cool about the whole thing. His answer: "She's happy, and we know she's safe with you. Why would we mind?"
And now back to Twilight. Charlie Swan is portrayed as a reasonable guy, a little blunt and uncivilised, but a fundamentally good man who adores his daughter. Men like that, in my experience, don't throw fits because their 17 year old is showing interest in a boy from school. Actually, if I remember right he asked Bella why she hadn't been on any dates yet. So why, you might ask, does the good Chief Swan turn into a walking crappy-movie stereotype at the first hint of Bella experiencing puberty? Because Stephenie Meyer has run out of sycophantic descriptors for Edward and needs something to fill a couple of pages, that's why. In a weird way, this is a good sign. SM seems to realize that her book needs something in the way of conflict before drowning in a sea of murmurs. Unfortunately, her delivery of that conflict involves torpedoing a character, but hey its a start.
I've already discussed, at length, how disturbing I find the fetishizing of the vampire family. So, I'm not going to touch the baseball scene, except to say that I was hoping for Rosalie to hit a ball straight through Edward's skull and out the other side. Or Bella's. That would work too. Anything to make it stop. Also, what I said about the conversation with Billy being the worst thing in this book? Not true. Edward hypnotizing Bella through the perfection of his glitter-skinned kisses is the worst thing I've read in my entire life. Borderline pornographic, completely misogynistic, so awful and wrong on every conceivable level. Maybe not pornographic, now that I think about it. Porn is obscene, but honestly and openly so. Twilight pretends to be wholesome, but its rotten to the core.
Wow, epic post. We'll pick this up again soon, interwebs. Peace.
Eh. Lots of good points in this post. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteYou know, my brother (who is a couple of years older than you, though not nearly as well-adjusted as you seem to be) tried to read Twilight a few months ago. I got him a copy out of the library and told him we could discuss it. He was utterly bored and couldn't get past the first 100 pages or so.
Jacob was my favourite character, too, together with Alice (who sort of reminded me of my best friend in high school, who was pixie-like had the same name). I kept reading the series because I liked those two. But I was so grossed out by the stuff in Breaking Dawn. Ugh.
Wow, think that's the first time anyone's accused me of being well adjusted. Thanks for stopping by so often, though. Its nice to see someone else enjoying my lunacy.
DeleteI certainly see why your brother was bored, given the distinct lack of incident through the book. Part of the frustration for me is that I see glimmers of potential, as in the early scenes with Jacob or the overall uniqueness of Alice's character, which are so quickly lost in the horrific "love" story. The premise of this book is quite good. Execution…. not so much.